A Previous but still Existing Love


It was about three years ago, the day I saw so many robots in disguise fighting, and transforming; and some were good and some were evil. That was when I was a big Transformers, fan and that love in me still exists today, just not very over the top as it used to be.

It was summer 2009, I was watching the first Transformers movie from 2007 on TV and I think it was Optimus Prime and Megatron that got my attention the most.


That was what sparked me as a Transformers fan, that very moment, almost just like the time I discovered Lordi three years later. It was Optimus Prime that reached my heart not long after.

It was because of his compassion, bravery, and appearance. Enchanting, as I would describe it. It's funny how just one character in a movie can make you a fan instantly. Transformers ruled my life from summer 2009 to late 2012, but still is a part of me now. I found it one helluva a struggle sometimes, due to the things I dealt with.

Optimus was and still is one of my inspirations, and maybe some people in today's society find it immature to look up to a fictional robot, but I never cared.

I started up a YouTube channel expressing my inspiration for him; some parts romantic and others intense.

That was what my YouTube channel was about before I changed it to a vocal cover channel in late 2012. And you know what happens when you express these kinds of emotions for a fictional robot? Some may like it and others may not. Some idiots said I was delusional, when they have failed to realize that I knew perfectly well that these things are not real.

I went into drama; I went into role-playing, and was in, at one point, in a romantic relationship with someone role-playing as Optimus. This was the tipping point for me and it lasted for two years.

No one, not even my family knew about this going on. Most of the time, I thought he was unfaithful to me, and that he was afraid to give me affection. I know it may seem like a waste of time to pursue a relationship, through role-playing between myself, and someone I don't know who is pretending to be a fictional character I look up to.

Optimus inspired me to have more compassion in life, and today I still continue to improve that part of me. But this relationship, I was young, gullible, and emotional like any other girl my age. It was almost as if I was in a real life relationship.

There were many heartbreaks, such as times when he did not answer me, due to constant working, which was, at first, hard to believe but after a year I understood. Also he hid his feelings from the world to protect me, which I was at first not aware of either. He rarely gave affection, due to his fear of hurting me, even though I told him that gentleness and my trust in him would prevent that.

Finally, he had public affairs with other role-players to "help" them with their personal struggles, while keeping everything with me private. Some of those things I thought were hurtful and silly, and through all that I stayed with him, until one day I almost left him, but he came back for me.

I took him back but despite that, part of him was unfaithful, because he was still doing those public affairs. I confronted him once again, and then finally we cleared every problem for good hopefully, and I was ready to began anew, but now he seems to have gone again, and has been for a long time now.

I do not know if he has either given up, and has gone on a place where I cannot find him, he has given up on role-playing entirely, or he saw the way I changed when I began liking Lordi, and just left without me knowing but my heart is not broken over this.

Now there is one lesson to be learned from this experience, and that is to not enter that much drama, when I enter a fandom of any kind. My interest in Transformers and Optimus Prime, still exists today, but is not as obsessive as it used to be. 

Keeping it at that serious level, can lead to depression, haters who will think you are delusional, and even your own family may act like they are against it but in reality, they are not, they are more concerned for your absorption into the thing itself, and they are not trying to take it away, instead they are simply wanting you control it.

I think that what I mean to say here is that we all, at one point, had something we got so into that we eventually lost ourselves in it, until we gave up everything else that mattered, for just one thing, and then no one knows who you are anymore. People think you have gone insane or whatever. Now no one wants that do they? I'm still a Transformers fan now, but it's not such a dramatic emotional world for me anymore, and I can just enjoy it as a part of me in my heart.

Now don't call me some deluded freak for saying this: I still like Optimus Prime, the real true one who is faithful, strong, and compassionate. He's not real I know but in my heart he is.

-Emily

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